honestly, i didnt even think that it was possible but last night proved me wrong on that. he made me sad. he actually made me want to curl up against somebodys shoulder and cry for the rest of the night. i had never imagined, could never have perceived that he would be capable of inflicting this type of feeling in me. i dont know, maybe i had built up our relationship to be more than it really was but i just really felt like we had a better friendship than that. I guess that thursday night should've given me some kind of a hint but at some point i managed, with heather's help, to convince myself that it was all in my head and that nothing had changed. i was sorely mistaken though. something has changed. i dont know when or why but it's different now than it was before. he's different. regan says that he's just quieter (but not really 'shy')...but i dont know...it wasn't like that before so i have a hard time believing. he does that little thing where he'll casually walk past pretending to just be wandering and then just happen to notice me in passing and come over to say hi...when i know that he's already been told that i'm there or he's already seen me. he knows that he's going to come over, he just wants it to seem really casual or something. i see through it but play along every time because it's fun. i'll see him smile as he walks towards me and i'll grin back because that's what happens to me when he's around, and then he'll smile bigger at seeing my smile for him. we'll chat for awhile and then just sit. that's how it always goes but it works for us...and then it all got turned around. and heather, there is no way that this is just me being insecure or making stuff up...this is completely true!!! he walked right past me (less than a meter between us and nobody else around) and just kept on walking out the door where he left with his brother and friends. perhaps i'm reading too far into it but when i watched him saying goodbye to others that he passed on his way out it just emphasized for me the reality of it...i guess we dont have what i thought we did. regan says that i cant help it and that it's okay for me to care but i dont want to. it makes me mopey and sad and i hate it. i dont want him to make me feel like that because then i wont be happy when i see him and i want to be...whatever the circumstances are. atleast it took until the end of the night for this to hit me though because orion was keeping my mind off of it pretty well...i love him because he's the only person who could possible make me laugh that much when i'm having such a bad time...but then he left at the same time and i was left with nobody to make me laugh. i realize that i'm making this sound like it's all of his fault that i feel like this but really none of it is his fault. this is all my own doing...i've made the situation what it is by building it up in my mind and my heart and he probably has no idea what he has done. all i know is that he used to make sure that he atleast said goodbye to me when he was leaving...EVERY time...and now that is finished. the chain is broke.

"this is not who i thought you'd be..."