i wondered today what it would feel like to be living, and then i thought that was really sad. but sometimes i do things and i don't really believe that it's my life or that i just did it... and it feels like things are inconsequential or something...like i'm sort of removed from my actual life, only half existence. idk, it's just weird. maybe it's because i've just been going through the motions of life for the last 6 months, and maybe once i'm working for a while and have my own place again i can start to feel experience again. something to look forward to!

maybe i feel so strongly about you because i actually hate you THAT much, and i don't love you at all.... maybe.

if i could take you anywhere...
... i'd go back to that night, sitting and talking
in the warm summer breeze. so comfortable, so sure
waiting to wake the sun
i remember your eyes exactly, as they looked up into mine
and you were trying to hide behind my sweater
as we sat in silence for minutes... that felt like hours at a time
asking questions like what kind of shoe we could be... laughing at answers that didn't make sense
sharing thoughts and fears about anything that came to mind
the way you made me feel like i could trust you most... more than anyone in the world
i'd give it all again to feel the way i did then
hands in hands... lips on skin...
feeling like shit for the rest of the day
crooked lines and hapless smiles, regret... a little
if i could take you anywhere i would take you back there
and i wouldn't leave until i knew it was all different...

i recently had a discussion with a friend on the pros and cons of various places i could potentially relocate to after graduation. in narrowing it down, this is what we came up:
stay in edmonton - NOT AN OPTION! (oh dear lord!)
calgary - everybody is lame (using the term 'everybody' loosely)
vancouver - oceany... however with vancity traffic (AND morgan's tendency to get lost at all times), would not ever make it to the ocean before sundown
tofino - a VILLAGE!
vernon and/or kamloops - too tempting to live with parents (GI-NORMOUS step backwards!)
basically, over every pro there were overpowering cons and thus i have decided that it is only natural i should move to new york. hahah... like that will EVER happen... *sigh*

anyways... i am open to suggestions, or if you have anything POSITIVE to contribute, it would be much appreciated.
i have plans to adopt a beagle shortly after graduation as well, so that limits my options somewhat as well.

maybe i should just travel around the country like a bum... sleeping in my car or wherever else i know people... that sounds appealing, right? anybody down for that*optimistic eyebrow lift*?

sometimes people take the position that they are completely free from blame in something, even if they are the most to blame in that instance, simply because they didn't have any initial intention of causing any hurt. it's such a self-serving attitude to have, to keep telling yourself that because you didn't MEAN for something to happen that it was somehow completely out of your control and that you don't need to think about it beyond that it happened. it's so unfair to everybody else that your actions have affected, because they never asked to be affected by you but it happens sometimes and you can't ignore that, just because you didn't 'plan' on it. you can't seriously just not care! i don't believe that. :|